My sister is a very intelligent woman when it comes to "book
smarts," but a little naive in the ways of the real world. She
used to work as a waitress, which I won't knock, because it IS a hard
job. But when the cooks told her to go to the basement
(restaurant had no basement) to get the dehydrated water, she searched
for the basement entrance for an hour before realizing she'd been the
butt of a joke. Another time, one of the salad girls had been
busy, so my sister decided to make the salad herself. Just as she
was carrying it to the customer, the salad girl grabbed her and said
"what are you doing?" My sister said "well, she asked for the
dressing on the side." You guessed it- she had put a little salad
in the middle of the plate and poured dressing around the edges!
I was on my way to work early one morning. Having stayed
up late with friends at a club, I wasn't feeling too hot! I
decided to get some coffee from
McDonald's and pulled into the drive through. I sat behind a car
for a long time before I had noticed it had its window shade up! As I
patiently continued to wait,I began to wonder how on earth this person
was able to drive with this shade on.
It was quite some time before I realized I had pulled up behind a parked car!!!!!!!
One day I was working in the office at my college. I was asked
to phone a list of 20 students and tell them that their exam for that
Friday had been cancelled. So after I got to about the 10th person I
realized that this was one of my classes. I went to lectures during the
week and on Friday went to take my exam. But I saw no-one from my class
there. Confused, I went to the office to find out what was going on,
only to be told that the exam had been cancelled. The sweet little old
receptionist told me that a young girl who sometimes worked in the
office had phoned everyone. Perhaps, thought the little old lady, the
girl who helped out had tried to reach me but hadn't gotten through. I
felt so stupid since I was the one who phoned everyone. One of my
prouder blonde moments.
One time I went to Taco Bell, and the front window of our car
was broken so my mom made me order the food from the back seat. I
ordered just fine, then the lady asked if I wanted any sauce. I
said, "Just ketchup please." Oh Man! She looked at me so
funny. THAT was embarrassing.
I have a friend who's really stupid. Over the summer I dyed my
hair red and I didn't tell anyone about it. So one day, she
phoned me to go do something, and when I saw her she said, "Oh, you
dyed your hair!'" Then she asked me what colour.
I have a friend, Brandy, who was told if you gargle paroxide it
will make your teeth whiter. When she did it her gums also turned
white. Being the bright blonde that she is, she panicked and ate a
piece of red candy to turn her gums back pink. Needless to say her
newly whitened teeth were also red.
During a daily Biology class, we were discussing how DNA is
made by taking enzymes from eaten food and using the enzymes to build
the DNA. ANYWAY, my teacher said "Now, when I eat the carrot, the
enzymes from the carrot help to build strands of DNA." And this girl in
the front row asks without a hitch "So then is DNA made of carrots?"
One time I was playing around in the kitchen when I decided it
would be a good a idea to try and scare my dog with our black and
decker dough mixer. So I put it on turbo speed and aimed it at
the dog who started to run away. To prove to the dog that it was
harmless I attempted to stop the blades with my hand. My fingers
got bent back to my wrist before the mixer gave up and I had to turn it
off and run it back manually to pull my fingers out.
I went to Sixflags one time, and while going in, I noticed
a hotdog stand! Instead of looking where I was going, I kept my head
trained onto the stand in the hopes that my mom would buy me one.
Because she didn't notice me, I decided to say "Mmmmmm, hotdogs" just
like Homer Simpson would, but right after I said this, I crashed into
the knee high brick wall. After falling over into the garden on the
other side of the wall, I yelled out, "Owwwwww, my knees!" Everyone
heard this and stared at me. Anyway, I hurt my knees and I didn't even
get a hotdog.
My friend Pico, Jamal and I were riding in Pico's new Ford
Explorer.
We were on the interstate driving about seventy MPH. Pico's truck
sounded funny. Jamal said, "Hey, is your truck OK?" Pico looked at the
dash and saw that the automatic gear shift was in 2nd gear. Pico asks,
"Hey, it's in '2.' I should pull over at the next exit then shift back
to 'D' right?" Jamal and I beat Pico with our hats and I reached over
and shifted the selector back to "D."
I hate to tell on myself but....
One night, I was in a friend's 3rd story apartment. We were grilling
food on the apartment balcony. We were smart enough to realize that
this wasn't a safe action. We decided to go to the park to grill. I had
to run to the toilet. After I wrapped up the business, I went and found
that my friends were all in the truck ready to go. I decided to jump
off of the balcony to get to the car quicker. I fell 3 stories and hit
the concrete...a perrrfect cat-like landing on 2 feet. Too bad I broke
my ankle and my leg. They rushed me to the hospital. I got fixed up
with a cast and pain killers :). We returned to the park. I was on
crutches and had to lay on my back and keep my leg elevated. They all
teased me well into the night. After the party ended, everyone packed
to leave. Everybody said BYE!! One of my friends yelled HEY MOE! We
have to do this again sometime!! Yeah right.......
My mom's friend is a teacher at a nearby high school. Well,
one day, she assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was
due, one boy came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply
replied, "I went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on
World War 2. I found a lot of books on World War 11, though."
I work in a convenience store. A while ago, a woman came in, grabbed a
bottle of soda and a candy bar, and came up to the counter.
"That'll be $1.65," I told her.
She looked at me kind of strangely for a moment, then picked up the soda
and asked, "How much is this?"
"A dollar," I said.
Then she picked up the candy bar. "And how much is this?" she asked.
I broke my knee and was out of lacrosse for the season. Well the day
after one of the games a friend of mine who is on the team walked up to
me and asked, "Hey, how many goals did you have yesterday?"
I had an ex-girlfriend who was stupid.
One day her stupid things were getting on my nerves and I asked her what her I.Q. was.
She responded "20/20"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a friend we will call him Maki. I told everyone at the lunch
table at school that I aced my social studies test. He said "Did you
get an A on it?"
I know someone who lives right down the street. One day she
was walking along and struck up a conversation with my Mom. I had
nothing to do and was overhearing it. The topic went to dogs. Then she
said, "You know, there is this really strange thing that happens every
time I drive to school. I pass this street and there is this dead dog.
And once I get out of school and pass the street again, someone moved
the dog. It's really weird! Every day someone moves this dead dog back
and forth!" So, one day, we drove down that street to get to the
supermarket, and remembering that conversation looked down the street
and saw the dog laying there. The dog wasn't dead, it was sleeping!
My family were on a road trip with our caravan, when one of
the wheels fell off. We happened to lose a couple of the nuts before
putting it back on, so we stopped at the next service station to try
and get some replacements. My father asked the attendant if they had
any wheel nuts and she thought for a bit and replied, "No, but we have
Nobby's Nuts."
After purchasing our house, my wife and I decided to rip up
most of the carpeting in the living room and put down a tile floor.
While relating this story to my boss I said, "...it was a long job.
There was 300 square feet of floor to cover with 12 inch by 12 inch
tiles." He then asked me, "Really! How many tiles did you use?"
My friend Rachel announced she was going to bleach her hair in the summer. My friend Tracey asked, "What color?"
We were listening to a story about my friend's next door
neighbor who went to Germany and had a one night stand with a German
bloke. When her husband found out they divorced. Tracey suddenly
shouted "Oh! Just think! The baby will come out speaking German!"
In one of my high school classes we were going to have a
mock trial. The teacher asked who wanted what roles. My friend raised
her hand and said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney!"
I worked at a gift store just across a small open area from
the world famous Space Needle here in Seattle. Two questions from
tourists that never failed to amaze and amuse me were, "Where is the
Space Needle?" (Honestly, it only looms 610 feet above your head at
this very moment.) and "Is this where I get tickets to the Space
Needle?" (No, you get them AT the Space Needle. I was tempted sometimes
to send them to some remote corner of the Seattle Center in effort to
obtain them. Shame on me.)
I had just gotten my debit-card. I hadn't had a chance to
sign it yet and I went into the store. The girl, seeing that it wasn't
signed, gave me her pen and asked if I would sign the card. I did. So
she proceeds with the purchase, hands me the receipt to sign and then
takes the card holds it up next to the receipt and compares the
signatures…
My mom took out her old wedding album and built into the
binding was a small music box that you had to wind up. Well, over the
years a piece had fallen off the winding mechanism but mom had
discovered if you put a dime in the slot to turn it, it still worked
fine. So we're reading it and my niece (honor student, governor's
school, etc.) comes over. My sister says, "Here, this part plays music.
Do you have a dime on you?" And my niece says "Do you have to PAY?"
I had just punched in at my place of employment and was
putting my things away, when the coworker I take over for came up to me
and said, "I can't get the lint thingy back in the dryer right. I think
I broke it." I went to see what the problem was. I found that HE, yes
it was a male, had put the lint filter in backwards. As I took it back
out and proceeded to put it in correctly, he stopped me and said,
"Wait, I forgot to put this back in." I turned to see what he was
talking about and in his hand was a big wad of lint.
My aunts were driving somewhere one day, and they stopped
at a tollbooth. While they were sitting there they saw a part of
someone's car rolling down the street, and started laughing. Then they
realized that it was a part of their car.
My friend was driving me home from school one day. On the
way home I saw a car that looked exactly like my mom's parked on the
side of the road. I started laughing at it, and making fun of it
because the tires had all busted and there was nothing left but the
rim. When I got home she called to tell me that she wouldn't be home
for a few hours because the wheels on her car had gotten messed up. I
felt so stupid because I had been making fun of my mom's car.
After spending the afternoon snorkeling in St. Croix, I was
standing near the dive shop when I overheard the following conversation
between 2 middle-aged American ladies. They were watching a bare-footed
man trudging (on hot gravel) with an empty scuba air-tank on his back.
He was hunched over and grimacing. I presumed his posture and
expression was due to the hot gravel on his bare feet. But apparently
the ladies didn't see it that way. Lady1: My, those tanks must be
awfully heavy! Look how he's walking! Lady2: Oh? Do you suppose that
tank is all that heavy? Lady1: Well, I don't know if it's empty or not,
but I heard someone say that those things can hold 70 lbs. of air!
Lady2: Well that's hard to believe. Looks like they'd drown if they
were all that heavy. How can they swim w/ all that weight? Lady1: Oh
that's because it's weightless in water. You know everything is much
lighter in water. Lady2: I suppose so. You're so smart about these
things!
My wife was very excited upon hearing the 1996 Olympics
would be held in Atlanta, Ga. Before she began planning the events she
wanted to see, she asked me, "Will it be the winter or summer games?"
This is an actual conversation that took place in my
educational psychology class (mind you everyone in this class is
training to be a teacher). We were learning about the best way to teach
kids concepts and the Prof. was using the word "bird." He asked us what
characteristics made a bird different from other animals. Obviously
people said "feathers, lays eggs, etc." One person said the beak made
them different. The prof. asked the class if we all agreed that all
birds had to have a beak. Everyone said, "YES" then from the back of
the room this girl said "What about ducks? They don't have a beak. They
have a bill." The prof. asked, "Aren't a beak and a bill the same
thing?" She said "No a beak is used for pecking and a bill is used to
sift things." Another student then said, "We know a duck is a bird. It
is a biological fact." She replied, "Look, I don't know the biological
reasons for it, but I am saying that a duck isn't a bird because it has
a bill." The whole class sat there in amazement. Just think SHE could
be teaching YOUR kids someday.
To prove just how smart the people who work for McDonalds
are I told my brother that I would order a cheeseburger without cheese
to find out what the guy would say. He did just what I thought he would
do, he called back to the grill for a cheeseburger with no cheese
instead of handing me a burger off the warmer. The guy working the
grill didn't catch on either, because he wrapped it in a special
wrapper instead of suggesting that he give me a regular hamburger.
Back in high school, I had THE stupidest music teacher. I
was a brunette, but over Christmas vacation, I dyed my hair red. When I
came back to his class after the vacation, he stared at me long and
hard, then said "You know, last semester I had a student just like you,
only she had brown hair."
Once my aunt had a terrible headache so she took an aspirin
and soon felt better. Later that day she was looking for a button that
had fallen off her blouse. She didn't find the button but she found an
aspirin in her pocket!
I love telling this story because it is about my ex
girlfriend. I was at her house for Easter. Her mother was making some
cookies. They were "slice and bake" with little rabbits on them. My
girlfriend said with an amazed look "Wow the little bunnies go through
to the other side" ...(hence, slice and bake cookies)
Once while riding around Myrtle Beach with my parents, I
saw a sign that read "Topless Bar." My sister and I, both
pre-adolescents, wondered how did the bar-goers keep from getting wet
when it rains. The thought occupied my mind for years until someone
finally told me what a topless bar was!
I was 18 and in the Air Force, and had just bought my first
car. It was at Fairchild AFB, near Spokane, Washington, and the car was
a 1955 Oldsmobile. I had paid $50.00 for it. My buddy and I decided to
take it for a drive over to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Nearing the city, we
heard a "chop...chop...chop" sound. We parked at a restaurant and shut
the car off. Went inside to eat, and then returned to the car.
The car would not start. I raised the hood, and my buddy and I, (both
of us REALY STUPID!) just stood there looking at the engine, not
knowing a thing about cars. A man came up to see if we needed help. He
told us that my battery was gone. Apparently, it was not tied or bolted
down and it fell into my fan blades. Well, this man put his battery in
my car to get it started and then took it out. He told us that when we
get back to Spokane, to go buy a battery. Well, we drove all the way
back to Spokane, and stopped in a gas station and bought a battery,
($19.95 in 1971). Well, we put that battery in, and as we went around
the cloverleaf onramp to get back on the freeway, we heard,
"chop..chop..chop."
I drive a city bus for a living. Bus drivers rule is once
the door is closed and the bus is moving do not open the door. One
night about 10pm I pull into a stop, pick up the people and proceed to
pull out. All of a sudden out of the side mirror I see a person running
toward the now moving bus. I stopped at a traffic light, the person
caught up and passed the bus and ran 2 blocks to the next stop. I pull
into the stop and open the door. The person looks up, puts one foot up
on the steps, panting out of breath and says to me as he pulls a
cigarette, "EXCUSE ME BUT DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT"
One day I took out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum my rugs and
saw the bag inside was full. I went to get a new bag and saw I was out
of the bags. I decided instead to put a plastic garbage bag into the
vacuum cleaner. Being this vacuum cleaner was an upright it was an easy
thing to do. When I turned on the vacuum cleaner imagine my surprise
when the 30 gallon garbage bag blew up like a huge balloon and my
vacuum cleaner danced across the living room rug.
During a hot summer day a woman called up our hospital
proclaiming that her daughter had eaten and swallowed some ants on
accident. We told her that she would be ok and that they would be dead
before they could do any harm. Towards the end of the phone
conversation something caught our attention. She said that she gave her
daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. We then told her that she
better come in right away. Everything ended up ok though, and we all
still laugh about it to this day.
One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know
named Heather. I was telling him that I thought that she was cheating
on her boyfriend and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother
got this very surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"
My old roommate had a burned out turn indicator. After
telling him about it, he asked, "Do you think it needs more blinker
fluid?"
I was with my sister in a restaurant in Ocean City and I
was walking to the table. When I glanced to my side I thought that I
saw someone with the same shirt on as me, and since I only got a quick
glance, I looked the other way and said to my sister, "Hey that girl
has my shirt." She replied, "Ummmm, I think that is a mirror..."
One day my sister, mother and I were all in the kitchen. My
mother began to make dinner when my sister asked if she wanted some
help. My mother of course said; "Yes, you can help by getting the
ingredients out." My sister began to get all the ingredients out when
my mother asked, "What are the olives for?" My sister replied, "We need
olive oil."
Back in my high school days, I had just barely got my new
pair of contact lenses. I came home really late from somewhere one
night and went to take out my contacts and put them to soak. I didn't
bother to turn on the lights. The optical had given me some small
sample bottles of lens cleaner and I went to reach for this and put my
lenses to soak. It wasn't until the next morning when I put my lenses
in that I discovered my mistake. I had grabbed a bottle of Murine eye
drops instead of the cleaning solution, and had dyed my contact lenses
yellow! Except for the faint yellow tint, I could still see out of them
just fine and wore them for 2 weeks until my replacement lenses
arrived.
Now think about this; my eyes are bright blue. Yellow contact lenses
mixed with blue eyes produce the most "glow in the dark", bright GREEN
cat eyes that you ever saw! I'd be sitting in class and the teacher
would look at me, then look again! When I called different opticals and
explained the problem, asking what could be done, nobody believed me.
They all were laughing their heads off and a few of them said "no way!"
and hung up on me.
A friend and I were house sitting for my dad while he was
on vacation. One morning I went to fix breakfast and made pancakes. My
friend had just poured syrup all over his pancakes and took several
bytes. I asked him how they were and he said, "These are really good!"I
sat down to eat, grabbed the syrup bottle and poured some over my
pancakes. I took one byte and about gagged and said, "Yuck! These taste
horrible!" "Hmm? They taste ok to me.." I grabbed the syrup bottle and
looked at the label. In very small writing, my dad had scribbled
"vegetable oil" on the bottle. What kind of moron dumps his used
cooking oil into a syrup bottle and puts in back in the cupboard with
all the other syrup bottles?
I live in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada and I'm 14 years
old. The tourists here can get so stupid because they always ask me
what time they turn off the falls. I usually reply back, trying to
sound like an idiot too 'about the same time they roll up the side
walks. And they look at ME weird!
One day some friends and I went out to get some fruit at a
curbside stand. There is a big sign selling plums 4 for a dollar. My
buddy picks one up, looks at it and asks the guy, "How much for one?"
My friend Emily and I went to K-Mart. We
were walking to the restrooms. I found a motorized cart. I hopped on
cart. We went to the undergarments (after the restroom). Next thing I
know the wheel on the cart got stuck on a bra rack. Next thing I know
bra's are all over me, the cart and the floor. I stood up in shock and
did not realize that there were people standing there. Emily shouts out
"It's a miracle, you can walk."
My ex-wife once called me at a bar and asked, "Where are you?"
I was working in a large Western National Park and a woman
who was a notorious chain smoker came out of her office and lit up a
cigarette. I said, "What are you up to?." She took a long drag off of
her cigarette and with smoke coming out of her mouth and nose said, "I
just came out for a little fresh air"!
I went to McDonalds's the other day, and ordered a
cheeseburger with ketchup only, meaning bread, meat, cheese, and
ketchup. When I pulled away from the window, I checked the burger to
make sure it didn't have anything but ketchup, and there was no cheese
on it! I drove around and said to the guy at the window "This doesn't
have any cheese."He said "Right, you ordered it with ketchup only."
I was at sleep away camp and there was a really bad storm.
Eventually we lost power and most of my friends went scrambling for our
flashlights. My best friend at camp (sadly), shouted, "Oh no! Since we
don't have electricity our flashlights won't work!" It took awhile, but
we managed to explain to her that flashlights run on batteries. I'm
still not sure she gets it, but someday she'll understand.
I worked the night shift at a restaurant and every Friday
night the same 5 deaf men would come to eat. They usually came very
late and often stayed passed closing time. One night when they had
stayed well passed closing time, I asked my boss if he could please
give them some kind of sign that we would like to close the restaurant
so they would leave. He reached up and shut off the music.
