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Jokes are the backbone to good health. They say laughing adds years to your life - so laugh! Although we can't say that all these jokes should be viewed by all age levels, we ask parents to make sure they know what their kids are reading. We do not do "raunch" because that is not what Maine Humor is about but our subject matter sometimes needs a little guidance. Below is the most recent jokes and stories I've written or that have been sent to me by my readers. In the left column is a list of the titles to all the jokes along with a bit of a teaser. |
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One morning as the two men were heading to work they met and a strange thing happened "Well, I guess I need 'nuff ta git to Portland and back home I nearly fell over backwards in shock and disbelief. "I didn't need my rear quarter panel painted and the poor fella was humped up trying to stay warm he tipped the sack upside down and out fell 2 rabbits, 5 partridge and a loon we call a dog "man's best friend" is because a dog can't talk had a new computer at the Radio Shack down at the Oxford Plaza in Norway, Maine that could answer all your fishing questions. the best coon hound in the State of Maine, and probably all of North America He spotted this white Lincoln Continental with New York license plates they began to argue with each other about whether or not the animal they were going to bury was a mule or a donkey The old bastard was just craning his neck to see everything she had I never did think them out-a-staydahs had too many common senses |
Potpourri of Maine Jokes Submitted by Bill Cushing
The
owner of a golf course in Maine was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You
graduated from the University of Maine, and I need some help. If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything
but my earrings." "Harry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Harry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A
tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going
to steal Harry! Elmer replied, "Did you see who it was? The
young fella answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."
God Created Maine Submitted by Bill Cushing Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was
missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you
been?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance. "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot,"God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an area with mountains, lakes and forests, "What's that one?" "Ah!," said God, "that's Maine, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and
Mountains. The people from Maine are going to be modest,intelligent,
and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, decent hardworking, and high
achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world
as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Shouda Brought the Wife by Tom Remington
Archer Sidelinger was a dirt farmer from up in the northern part of Maine - up around the Patten area. He'd never been much farther south than Millinocket nor any further north than Ashland. Once, he got brave and traveled internationally. He went over to Houlton with his farming buddy, Eben Faulkenham and before Archer knew what was going on, Eben had whisked him across the Canadian border and turned around a come back. Archer was quite concerned that having traveled so far, he might not get back to milk the cows - you know there is a time difference there of 1 hour that really threw Archer for a loop.
Eben was a modern farmer you see and he spent most of his time trying to convince Archer that he needed to update his farm equipment and particular his milking machines and feeding stations. Eben's was all computerized and claimed it saved him thousands of dollars each year and his herd produced much more milk.
Of course Archer was quite skeptical about the whole thing but one day Eben convinced Archer to travel with him down to Bangor to attend a convention all about new farming equipment.
They checked in at the Four Points Sheraton in Bangor and while Eben was getting them registered Archer wandered over to to the far end of the lobby and observed in absolute awe as the walls on one side of the lobby split in two and people walked into a small room. Then the walls came back together again.
Archer watched this for some time wondering just where these people went. Sometimes the walls would open up again but the people that went in were gone. Soon a hunched over old woman walked up to the wall and pressed a round button. The wall divided one more time and she went in. Archer moved closer to get a better look. Within moments, the walls opened up again and out stepped a very young, attractive and well endowed blonde woman.
Just then Eben appeared and asked Archer what he was doing. Archer stood with his mouth mostly agape and somewhat drooling and mumbled to Eben, "I shoulda brought the wife."
Advantages of Marrying Late by Tom Remington
The town bachelor from Oquossuc, named Norman was about to celebrate his 75th birthday when he surprised everyone one day and got married. The locals were completely astounded by this action and Arthur, his neighbor and longtime friend asked him, "Norman, why did you wait so long to get married? We all assumed at your age you would never tie the knot!"
"Well," said Norman. "The advantage to marrying at this age is quite simple, Arthur. If you get a bad one, you don't have to live with them too long!"
Ugly Wife by Tom Remington
Herman Snodgrass who lived in Madrid, Maine got married one day. Herman was getting on in years and many thought he would never marry but he surprised everybody one day when he came home with a new bride.
The town folks were very gracious and courteous congratulating Herman in succeeding at finding himself a wife, but behind his back they were all talking about them. The discussions mostly surrounded the fact that his new bride seemed nice but she wasn't very good looking. They also was aware that Herman never went anywhere without his wife - even when he went to work. He would leave his wife out in the car all day long while he was at work.
Many passed it off as just two people being in love and that they couldn't be away from each other for very long but after 10 years of marriage nothing had changed. Herman still never went anywhere without his wife.
One day Bill Benson who owns the hardware store in town see Herman come into his store alone. Bill walked over to Herman and asked him where his wife was - surprised that she wasn't with him in the store. Herman told Bill she was waiting for him in the car.
This was Bill's chance so he asked Herman why he never went anywhere without his wife. He said, "Don't you miss having some time to yourself, boy? Don't you miss a night out with the fellas, boy?"
"Oh, I sure do, Mr. Benson. I miss all that stuff a lot!" replied Herman.
"Then why do you insist on taking her with you everywhere you go?" asked Bill.
"Well, Geez, Mr. Benson," said Herman. "She so danged ugly looking, I'd rather take her with me than kiss her goodbye!"
"Fix the Outhouse, Virgil!" by Tom Remington
Virgil came in the front door the other day from doing the chores and he no sooner got his cow-pooped boots over the stoop when Florena told him to go fix the outhouse.
"They ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse. I was in it this morning," said Virgil.
"You just go on out to the outhouse and fix it, now!" yelled Florena.
So Virgil put on his coat and headed for the the outhouse. When he got inside he looked around a bit and then yelled back at the house, "They ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse, Florena!"
"You got to stick your head down inside the hole!" Florena yelled.
"I ain't stickin my head in the outhouse hole," Virgil replied.
"Just stick your head in the damned whole and you'll see what the problem is," she demanded.
Reluctantly and slowly, Virgil stuck his head down into the hole and looked around but he saw nothing. When he attempted to bring his head up out of the hole, his beard got stuck in the crack of one of the boards. "Florena, come help get me outta this damned hole! My beard is stuck in the crack!" Virgil yelled.
"Now you know what's wrong with the outhouse!" she yelled back.
Ed and John by Tom Remington
Ed and John lived on opposite ends of town and ironically both worked on the other side of town. Every morning and every evening for 43 years Ed and John would meet somewhere near the center of town and for 43 years it was the same story. "Mornin' Ed. Mornin' John" This took place every morning and every evening. No more said than "mornin'".
One morning as the two men were heading to work they met and a strange thing happened. "Mornin' Ed. Mornin' John. Say Ed, my horse is sick." "Give him turpentine. I did." said Ed. "Thanks, Ed."
For a week after that it was back to the same old routine - day after day after day until one morning a strange thing happened. "Mornin, Ed. Mornin', John. Say Ed, My horse died." "Ayuh, so'd mine."
Met Her Before by Tom Remington
Virgil and Florena were making their yearly pilgrimage to the BIG city and when they got down to Lewiston they had to stop and get some gas. Virgil pulled his truck up beside the pump and before he could get out, the service station attendant met him at his truck door.
"What can I do for you folks today?" asked the attendant. Virgil replied, "I need some gas I guess." About that time Florena speaks up real loud you see and says to Virgil, "What did he say?" Virgil very patiently explained to Florena that the service attendant was asking him what he needed.
"How much gas do you need? asked the attendant. "Well, I guess I need 'nuff ta git to Portland and back home." said Virgil. Florena interrupted very rudely one more time with, "What did he say?" Virgil answered back a little louder this time, "He wants to know how much gas we need."
"Gimme five dollars worth." Virgil told the attendant and the attendant asked, "Can I check your oil?" Very rudely once again, Florena yells at Virgil, "What did he say?" Virgil, losing his patience with Florena this time yelled back and said, "He wants to check my oil!"
"Where you folks from?" inquired the attendant and Virgil said, "Andover". The attendant quickly told Virgil that he met a woman one time from Andover and she was a pain in the ass. "What did he say? asked Florena one more time to which Virgil yelled right back at her and said, "He says he's met you before!"
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