EVER BEEN on a bowling green before, haven't you?" said the Oracle, as he and the Thin Man seated themselves on one of the seats kindly provided for spectators. "Why, it is the oldest of all games, and one of the most scientific."

      "Is it as old as cricket?" asked the Thin Man.

      "Cricket be hanged!" replied the Oracle. "Why, hockey is the grandfather of cricket, and hockey wasn't invented until bowling was as old as Methuselah. The rolling bowl is as old as the flowing bowl, and Noah got tight just after he came out of the Ark, if you remember."

      "No, I don't remember," said the Thin Man. "I'm not quite as old as you are. Were you in the Ark?"

      "I was not," retorted the Oracle, "but if you had been there I have no doubt they would have placed you in the monkeys' cage along with your ancestors!"

      "You needn't be insulting," protested the Thin Man.

      "I did not mean to be," said the Oracle; "but every time I look at you I am inclined to wonder whether the Darwinian theory as to the origin of species may not be true after all. But it is a grand old game. Don't you remember --"

      "Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt!" added the Thin Man.

      "Look here," said the Oracle, "if you're going to talk a parcel of nonsense, I won't explain the game to you at all. Don't you remember, or have you not read of, that immortal game of bowls played on the Plymouth green, one side being Lord Howard and lieutenants Drake, Hawkins, and Frobisher? All noted naval commanders. When the Spanish Armada was sighted Howard wanted to stop the game at once; but Drake said there was time to finish the game and beat the Spaniards, too. That's the story, but there's probably no more truth in it than there is in the yarn that the Duke of Wellington said,'Up guards and at 'em!' at the Battle of Waterloo".

      "I thought it was Bill Adams who said that?" remarked the Thin Man.

      The Oracle ignored this little pleasantry, and just then the captain at the other end of the rink threw a white ball, about the size of a billiard ball, towards them.

      "That's the jack! See?" said the Oracle.

      "Oh! that's the Jack See, is it? Well, which is the Joe Carruthers?"

      The Oracle frowned, and then his face broke into a smile. "By the way," he said, "this game always reminds me of Parliament. Now in that next rink, where the jack is in the gutter, is what they call a dead head; but this is a very good head."

      "Oh," said the Thin Man, "I didn't know they had any very good heads in Parliament; but, of course, we all know they have deadheads, at least 1 am told that is the opinion of the manager of the refreshment room."

      "Very likely," said the Oracle, "but the resemblance between the game of bowls and the game of politics is remarkable."

      "Is that so?" responded the Thin Man, encouragingly.

      "It is so," said the Oracle. "The jack represents office, and the art of the game of bowls is to get as close to the jack as possible. See? The bowls represent the politicians, and a bowl that runs perfectly straight will never get on to the jack if there are any other bowls in front of it. All the bowls, like all the politicians, must have a bias. The bias in a bowl or a politician causes a leaning to one side or the other; that is why it is called a bias."

      "Just so," said the Thin Man.

      "If a bowl or a politician," went on the Oracle, "runs perfectly straight, then neither of them achieve the object intended. They must twist and turn and curve and lean to one side or the other. They mustn't be too slow, or they'll never reach the objective, and they mustn't be too fast, or they'll find themselves in the ditch, and the twisting and curving must be nicely timed and judged, or the bowl, like the politician, will be wide of the mark. Of course, all bowls have not the same degree of bias."

      "Haven't they?"

      "Oh, no; they vary as much as politicians do. Some will go in any direction that suits them; others are so nicely balanced that they will run just as they are wanted to, if only properly directed. The degree of bias varies considerably, but they all have some bias, which may be easily noticed; just the same as with Mr O'Sullivan and Mr Law, when they 80 to Mort's Dock picnic at Clifton Gardens. In the game of bowls," went on the Oracle, "with a full rink, there are eight players, four on either side, a leader, a scorer, a measurer, and a captain, who play in the order named. The leader is the person who moves the vote of censure; the scorer is the member who reckons up how many votes they are likely to get; the measurer takes the measure of the opposing side, and the captain is -- well, I don't know who the captain is on the Opposition side, but on the Government side the captain, being the person who does all the ordering about and all the directing, is, of course --"

      "Jim M'Gowen," suggested the Thin Man.

      "I do wish you wouldn't take words out of my mouth like that," said the Oracle. "I am trying to explain to you the close resemblance between bowls and politics."

      "They don't allow ladies to take any part in bowls," said the Thin Man.

      "Excuse me," said the Oracle, "it is a regular rule of all bowling clubs, included in the code that ladies are specially invited to visit the green while the matches are on."

      "But they don't let them play," said the Thin Man.

      "Do you see that gentleman there?" responded the Oracle, "that tall player, with one leg stretched along the green, pointing due east, while the other leg is doubled up, with the knee pointing due west?"

      "I observe him," said the Thin Man. "He's thinner than I am. Looks as if he was in training to climb through a stovepipe for a wager.

      "But do you notice his extraordinary attitude'! Would you like to see a lady in such an attitude as that?"

      "Well, that all depends upon circumstances," said the Thin Man; "but I'll admit the attitude is not graceful.

      "These attitudes are not really essential to the game. Many gouty gentlemen, who are not able to get into anything like such an attitude, are excellent bowlers."

      "Then why do some of them do it?"

      "Because," said the Oracle, "bowling is one of the few games that sweet woman has not yet invaded, and bowlers are usually, in fact, almost always, men of conservative ideas. They do not wish to have lady members, inquiring into the consumption of whisky in the bar, and all that sort of thing, which, of course, they could do if members; and, as the ladies who visit the green are all very respectable, and generally relatives of the players, or personal friends, the bowlers have struck the idea of performing remarkable feats in the way of striking attitudes which no lady would dream of copying. Of course, the ladies naturally suppose these attitudes are essential features of the game, and, though they are, no doubt, sometimes greatly entertained by the acrobatic performances of the gentlemen, they, being ladies, have not the least desire to copy them. See the idea?"

      "Yes," said the Thin Man, "but I thought they only struck these attitudes by way of showing off. A bit of style, as it were!"

      "Not at all," said the Oracle, "they only do it to keep the ladies from wanting to play the game. Bowling is about the only game there is left to men only. Why, in some places, ladies even play football. As for cricket, the time is not far distant when a visiting English team will have to play a match against the ladies. Billiards they are good at, in tennis they lead. Bowls alone they have never attempted to invade, and it's the artful notion of the impossible attitude which makes all ladies shudder at the idea of wanting to play bowls."

      Just then a stout old bowler came up to the Oracle, and shook hands, remarking that it was a dry afternoon, and would they be his guests, and try a "damper" in the refreshment room?

      There is no need to record the reply.

The Evening News, 27 February 1904