Woody
Allen - George Carlin - Johnny Carson - David Letterman - Oscar Levant - Groucho Marx
Mary Richards - Joan Rivers - Mark Twain - Oscar Wilde - Henny Youngman - Funny Quotes
I'm
living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
~e. e. cummings
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. ~Sam Levenson
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
~Unknown
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
deserve that either. ~Jack Benny
When I was born I was so surprised I
didn't talk for a year and a half. ~Gracie Allen
Too bad the only people
who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. ~George
Burns
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that
you don't need it. ~Bob Hope
If your parents never had children, chances
are you won't, either. ~Dick Cavett
You can only be young once. But you
can always be immature. ~Dave Barry
I told my psychiatrist that everyone
hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ~Rodney
Dangerfield
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the
intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't
work.
~Gallagher
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us
tickets. ~Mel Brooks
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you
walk into an open sewer and die. ~Mel Brooks
I'm a man of the world,
Andy. Why, I've even been to Raleigh!
Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the
Andy Griffith Show)
The difference between man and animals is that we
don't use our tongue to clean our genitals. ~Rimmer - Red Dwarf
A
vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. ~David
Brenner
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling ~Unknown
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
would have lost. ~Mort Sahl
Life is a game, whoever has the most money
at the end wins
Danny Devito
phone
sex
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