| “You have to work on the small things to get
big results. I remind people that you can’t evaluate your
parenting style based on what you are seeing today, but the
results will become evident in five years’ time,” says the
father of two, who has already spoken to more than 90,000
parents in every state of Australia.
“I am talking to parents as a parent, not a theorist,
although my professional training and background comes into
it.”
But Graham stresses that he doesn’t focus on the
“sensationalised” problems that society usually associates
with teenagers.
“I’m not talking about pregnancy, teen sex, mental health,
suicide, drugs or binge drinking. The vast majority of kids
are just normal, everyday kids who are struggling with their
homework.
“The big problem is learning to address the small,
relational things.”
Graham says as we learn to spend time with each other, our
teenagers feel safe and secure in their parents’ company.
“Self-esteem comes not from what you can do, but who you
are and that’s the role parents play in kids’ lives.
“It’s all about giving acceptance, affirmation,
encouragement, hope, guidelines and discipline.
“These all merge to create confident, capable young
people.”
Graham says the onset of physical adolescence is commonly
age nine to 11 for girls and 11 to 13 for boys, but
behavioural adolescence begins around seven to nine.
“Only 34 years ago, the onset on actual, physical and
behavioural adolescence was all the same age.
“The change (in behavioural onset) is largely to do with
the media – that push for independence, arrogance in
communication and personality ebbs and flows.
“That means parents should be treating their seven year
olds very differently to the way they were treated at the same
age.
“Always be a parent first, but you need to be respectful of
your child,” Graham advises. “I am as guilty of this as
anybody – finishing their sentences, jumping in too early and
answering questions that haven’t even been posed yet.
“You want to protect them. But it’s important to let them
fail to find themselves.”
Surprisingly, the number one question parents ask Graham is
not about drugs, sex or Year 12 exam pressure – it’s about
sibling rivalry. Graham says he gives a multi-faceted answer.
“There are two major components. Firstly, early
intervention is important. You need to constantly intervene
quickly
“Secondly, rescue the older one. The tendency is to rescue
the younger one but often the older one gets caught because
he/she has retaliated.
“You have to recognise that it’s retaliation and not
instigation more often than not.
“Plus, if you get the older one on side they are more
equipped to help rectify the problem.
“It certainly worked in our family.”
Diverting aggression is another important strategy.
Leanne Hepburn, who is the mother of four boys including
twin boys aged 15, says sibling rivalry in her family has
always come in the form of competitiveness.
“We have never allowed our boys to be physical – no
punching, no hitting. That’s never been tolerated, although I
know they’ve done it behind our backs sometimes.
“As a result, their rivalry has been competitive, not
aggressive. The twins, especially, are very competitive with
each other because they both play the same sports.
“They don’t care who else is in the race, so long as they
beat each other.”
Leanne said she and husband Gary were very aware that
parenting was about maintaining a united front, constant
discipline and being accessible.
"You put as much work into them as possible when they’re
little so when they’re older they make their own decisions and
you just hope they’re the right ones.”
She says keeping teenagers busy is also important.
“Our kids are all tied up with sport and always have
excellent report cards. The busier kids are, the better they
have to be at managing their time to get everything done.
“The trouble comes when kids have too much time on their
hands, they’re roaming the streets – they don’t have structure
and don’t get anything done.”
Finally, Graham advises parents to be their friend but
don’t try to be a trendy kid.
“It’s too late – they know we’re old. And you’ll only lose
their respect.
“Being a child is all about testing the boundaries and, as
a parent, you are the boundary.
“As a result, they will develop their own value system that
keeps them safe.”
Graham Hyman’s Understanding Your Teenager seminar is on at
the Nambour Civic Centre tomorrow from 7.30-9.45pm. Entry is
free. Bookings on 5445 4444.
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