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Monday, April 05, 2004
Bert Goes To Chinese Temple
"I didn't find any good women in Statue Square... Besides, I don't want Filippina, I want Chinese" is the first thing Bert (new window) tells me over the phone when he interrupts my gardening on a lovely Sunday afternoon.
"You think Chinese temples would have beautiful sexy women?" goes on Bert. Here was a man with one track mind focused on women in religious places!
"Well, Pal, I don't know how many of those damsels in distress are queuing up to appease Buddha or what have you, but I do know they have fortune tellers in Chinese temples."
"Yes, yes, take me there. Please take me there" exclaims a clearly excited Bert.
"OK, I will pick you up and take you there..."
"Do they have Chinese/Buddhist nuns as well?" asks Bert comfortably seated in my car.
"Sort of, but they shave their heads bald and are probably too old."
Bert's mouth twists in distaste as he says "Awww..."
Soon we arrive at our destination - Che Kung Miu (Che Kung is a well worshiped deity and Miu means temple) in Shatin, New Territories. At the gates we are greeted by hawkers selling different types of incense sticks (joss sticks) and all the associated bells and whistles.
"Should I buy these?" asks a confused Bert.
"Up to you" and being in a prank-ish mood I add "the more you burn the better it will be."
Soon Bert appeases all the hawkers and ends up with a load full of incense sticks capable enough of suffocating a human to death in a closed room. I pity the Gods.
Entering the temple gates, Bert's jovial expressions deep dive into exasperation. The only women in the temple are old enough to be Bert's grandmother and they look at Bert and me as if we materialized from nowhere.
"What do we do now?" inquires Bert.
"First you need to light the incense sticks, then you must go bow down to each idol three times, put some donation in donation boxes, and then place the incense sticks in the communal incense stick bowl..."
"But how would God know these are my incense sticks?" Bert is truly puzzled.
"The same way Jesus knows your candles. Trust me buddy, supernatural beings are smarter than we give them credit for..."
All this while Bert's spirits were lifting up again whereas the spirits of old men and women in the temple were leaving them upon watching two gweilos walk around with a mountain stack of incense sticks burning in their hands.
The old women's eyes widened when Bert put 500 Hong Kong dollar note in each of the two donation boxes. Yes, he was that desperate. The only thought that crossed my mind was that if Bert spent all that money in a Tsim Sha Tsui nightclub, he could have gotten himself a decent hooker. But nope, no hookers for Bert. Here was a man looking for the angelic woman in his life (and with his craze for nuns... in the literal sense!)
"Now what?" asks a solemn and humble looking Bert.
I get him a wooden jar full of chopstick like sticks from an attendant at the temple. In Cantonese Chinese these are called "Cheem" and each one is numbered and there are levels. For example:
- Sheung Sheung Cheem means excellent luck and fortune.
- Sheung Cheem
means good luck and fortune.
- Chung Cheem means medium luck and
fortune.
- Ha Cheem means bad luck and fortune.
- Ha Ha Cheem means worst
luck and fortune.
In short, the wooden jar contains a combination of several such Cheem in each level/category. Meaning each and every level has more than one stick indicating different types of luck and fortune.
While Bert kneels down with closed eyes holding his wooden jar on a small leather stool, some old women crowd around us.
"You know Chinese tradition very well..." they appreciate and smile at me.
I acknowledge them by nodding and smiling. While they crowd around and look upon Bert and me, soon I blatantly burst out laughing as Bert starts his prayers loudly. Kneeling down with closed eyes and moving the sticks round and round in the jar, he almost shouts in English...
"O Lord give me a woman, a beautiful perfect Chinese woman, better if she is a nun as that will guarantee her virginity."
With a gigantic effort I control my laughter and tap Bert on the shoulder...
"You are supposed to pray in your mind."
"Oh..." and without opening his eyes, Bert continues (now silently).
Two minutes later all the sticks fall down from the wooden jar.
"Does this mean I am damn lucky or what?" asks a very enthusiastic Bert.
"No, it means you screwed up. Only one should fall out."
Inclining the wooden jar at an angle in his hands I command Bert to give it another go.
Take 2! And one minute later a single stick falls out. I inform Bert that he is successful and he slowly opens his eyes as if half expecting the deities to deliver a beautiful lotus adorned princess.
"What is it?" he asks excitedly looking at the Cheem.
"I can't tell you, the fortune teller in that corner over there will tell you" and I slowly drag Bert to the corner where a very old looking man is seated with palm and other fortune telling signs.
I am aware that Bert's Cheem is "Ha Cheem" (bad luck and fortune), and I hand over the Cheem to the old man as we both sit on folding stools in front of him.
"Your Cheem?" asks the old man.
"No, my friend over here" I point at Bert.
"What did your friend ask for while drawing it?"
"Woman. He wants a beautiful, sexy, virgin, Chinese woman to be his wife..." In Cantonese a single term for that is 'Man Yan Yuen', however, I translate all the above English words to the old man. "And", I add, "he is also considering a nun" (Cantonese term = 'Sau Loi')
The old man looks at me with his eyes drawn as wide as they possibly can be. He is visibly shaken and confused as not many gweilos would come to him and ask that.
"Hmmm..." the old fortune teller gathers himself and gets a paper corresponding to the Cheem which is supposed to hold Bert's fortune in a short saying/story form since ancient times.
"His prospects don't look very good" says the old man, "but", he continues, "let us see...".
I am aware that the idiot is trying to cook up a plausible story that Bert and I can accept, but I let him take his time.
I have no option but to look at the old man, as Bert is wearing such a bright smile with stupid looking eyes that perhaps a dental-floss manufacturer would have immediately signed Bert up for modeling their products.
"Tell your friend that the reason he has come back to this area (Hong Kong / China) is related to his past life."
I translate to Bert and he nods vigorously, "Yes, I have felt the same ever since I landed at the airport."
"What did he say?" asks the old man.
"It could be possible but he doubts" I lie to the old man because if Bert agreed with everything the idiot said, he would make the story quite grand and that would cost Bert more than 1,000 Hong Kong dollars.
After flicking through a thick book, the old man indicates that he must plot Bert's three lives chart (past, present, and future life charts) known as 'Sam Sai' in Cantonese. And he also indicates, that would round up his fees to 500 Hong Kong dollars.
I translate to Bert and without a single thought, Bert reaches for his wallet and pulls out a 500 dollar note. The old man's eyes brighten and soon he starts scribbling some figures on a piece of paper after conforming Bert's birth details.
Ten minutes later, the old man says "your friend has offended religious women in past life and therefore in this life he is struggling."
How bloody innovative! You are a fucking genius is what I want to say, but somehow restrain myself and translate whatever the old man said to Bert.
Bert's expressions immediately change to a worried look, "what should I do now?" he quacks.
"You must worship 'Kwun Yum' (a Chinese deity that some believe is female and some believe is male or both) for 21 days and after she is pleased, your love will come."
"And", continues the old man, "I will burn incense sticks on Bert's behalf for 21 days for additional 200 Hong Kong dollars."
Before Bert reaches for his wallet again, I immediately stop him by holding his hand.
"He loves burning incense/joss, he will do it himself" saying which I smile at the old man.
After 10 more minutes of hocus-pocus regarding Bert's remaining aspects of life, the old man finishes.
Coming out of the temple, Bert asks "where do I find idol of Kwun Yum?"
Almost tired and bored of Bert's enthusiasm, I drive him to a shop that sells such idols. A master (known as "Si Fu" in Cantonese) who is expert in prayers, etc. is handy at the shop. Sort of part of their service and after beating a small drum and shouting some words that sound like obscenities in some distant dialect, the master pronounces the 'Kwun Yum' to be ready with her powers installed.
Bert, upon the instructions of the master, carries 'Kwun Yum' in both his hands, and like a chauffeur I open the car doors for Bert.
While I drive, Bert enthusiastically keeps chirping...
"She will come. Within 21 days I will meet her. Ron, do you think she will be a virgin? a nun? a subservient decent female?"
I keep driving without acknowledging Bert much. If Bert listened to my advice, he would get a decent girlfriend within two weeks without all this hoopla. But hey, why should I bother? Let him dance with his 'Kwun Yum' and 'Buddha'.
Finally we arrive at Bert's apartment. I open the car door for him, get the elevator, even pull out his keys from his pocket and open his front door.
"Thanks Ron, I feel like a different man" says Bert still holding the 'Kwun Yum'.
"So do I" is what I want to say, but instead just smile and nod. "Keep the windows open when you burn incense sticks (joss sticks)" is all I say and run from his house.
If y'all read the news about some gweilo found dead in his apartment due to suffocation from tremendous amount of burnt incense sticks, then hey, I did warn him. Cheers!
Posted by Ron at 09:54 PM in China, Diary, Religion, Wisdom, Women | Permalink
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Comments
You mean there aren't beautiful, subservient, Chinese, virgin ladies who cloister themselves in monasteries when they aren’t waiting on every street corner to declare their undying love at the first Gweilo that honors them with their presence?
Well, in that case, I guess I can write Hong Kong off as a place to visit any time soon.
Posted by: John at April 6, 2004 03:38 AM
Well John,
There are lots of beautiful Chinese damsels, but whether they are virgin or subservient, one can only find out after a relationship.
Bert's problem is his wrong impression that Hong Kong girls are like girls from Chinese soap opera stories (depicting events from 200 years ago).
Perhaps a lot of such daily soap operas broadcast on local TV gave Bert this idea.
Bert comes from a Catholic family (though now they are ex-Catholic after the Church scandals) and in my personal opinion, Bert is a bit "repressed".
Apart from that, he is a smart and bright handsome man.
Maybe one or two months of counseling from me and he will be alright. That is if he does not suffocate himself to death. But he has to let go this virgin/nun stuff.
One thing I admire about him is his strong insistence of keeping away from hookers and he does not like one-night-stands either.
May Bert be blessed.
Cheers!
Posted by: Ron at April 6, 2004 01:08 PM
Ron,
Maybe, you should post his picture on your site, and see if any of your female readers is interested in him...could be good help!! hahahha...your friend's story is so funny...cheers
Posted by: Joyce at April 6, 2004 01:50 PM
Ron, what the hell is Bert after? Is he looking to get laid or is he looking for a wife? This obsession with pure virginal types who also have to be hot and on the make is well nigh ridiculous.
If he wants to meet a nice girl, all he has to do is walk up to someone who seems halfway nice and START TALKING TO THEM.
He sounds like someone who is too shy for his own good or who just doesn't know what the hell he wants. While most of your readers will conclude he's going to the wrong places . . . even the places he's gone to should have someone who is worth meeting. Does he actually TALK to any of the girls in these places or does he sit on his ass hoping some nice girl who also happens to be a closet nymphomaniac will take pity on him and whisk him away to his hotel room for a weekend of hot no-obligations sex?
What exactly is he looking for?
He should figure that out and then act accordingly.
Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT difficult to meet new people or to find
new folks to date. However, it does require that you know what you're looking
for and stay true to that and that you actually talk to girls instead of lurking
in corners watching them like some creepy voyeur.
Posted by: Brian David Phillips at April 6, 2004 02:20 PM
Well Ron, i would hope at least your business and income is definitely worth all the crap you have to put up with. He would make a good case study for Psychiatry grand rounds. Perhaps he was "diddle-ed" as a child by a nun in parochial school.
Posted by: glenn at April 6, 2004 08:53 PM
Joyce,
I doubt posting his picture at this site might help much, though it would be very funny.
Besides, unless Bert agrees it would be unfair to him.
Brian,
Yes, he is quite shy or lacks confidence, etc. I have encouraged him to talk and in case of language difficulties, well, translate as well.
You are right, he has to make an effort first.
At the most what I can do next is to take him to some decent bar where lots of Chinese girls hang around, get him drunk, and let go his inhibitions.
Perhaps that might help.
Glenn,
Like I said, he does act as if a bit repressed. One of these days when I have time, I am going to seriously get him drunk and out of all that.
Perhaps, I might throw a party at my house and invite some decent Chinese girls.
Cheers!
Posted by: Ron at April 7, 2004 12:22 PM
Sounds like your friend has an extreme Asian girl fetish!
Posted by: Don at April 9, 2004 03:29 AM
This is hilarious.
Posted by: chinese girl at April 9, 2004 05:19 PM
Don,
Yes he has.
Chinese Girl,
If you are single, ummm... well...
Cheers!
Posted by: Ron at April 10, 2004 06:00 PM
i think Bert a too innocent and supersticious !!!
do there still have such
people like Bert exist in this world?? i think is extinct ....
Posted by: Sam at April 14, 2004 05:45 AM
hi
Posted by: leo at April 20, 2004 06:56 PM
this is so funny!
i was trying to find pictures of chinese temples and i
stumbled across your blog. I miss HK- its a cool place...but i doubt Bert would
be able to find a chinese/virgin/nun. I'll wish him luck tho!
i have a blog too at www.xanga.com/sharrie !
but only visit it if you're
reaaal bored cuz its hardly interesting.
Posted by: Sharon at May 10, 2004 01:03 AM
