The grand entrance of puberty ushered in a hard time in a young man’s life.
Literally.
Ask any member of the male phylum and they will undoubtedly have a Judy Blume-like story in which they gracefully declined to work out a mathematic equation on the chalkboard with beads of sweat profusely streaming down their forehead. Overactive penises sprung to attention with the regularity of “Whack-A-Mole” only to be remedied by the handy large textbook or constant sitting.
(Oh sure. Complain now, but in two-dozen years I’ll be eating Viagra like cereal with milk poured on it trying to remember when I didn’t need drug assistance to petrify my pecker.)
It was hell on junior-high earth until you gained control of your raging hormones. Figuratively.
Granted, there is no medical cure to raising that flaccid man-stick more effective than a dose Anna Benson, wife of Mets over-paid pitcher Kris. After listening to her for several moment, elderly men will be rocking in a chair at an accelerated pace and pubescent lads will be carrying a Social Studies book in front of their groins for the rest of the day.
Anna Benson is the sole reason baseball will always be a better spectator sport in America than watching cars turning left. Last year Anna, a former stripper, admitted in an article with FHM (For Him Magazine) that she and Kris use to have sex in every ballpark Kris and his former team the Pittsburgh Pirates played in. She even revealed that Kris and her had sex while parked in their tinted SUV in the lot outside of then now-defunct Three Rivers Stadium while fans banged on the window looking for autographs and a peep show. After hearing those exploits, FHM had no choice but to name her “Baseball’s Hottest Wife”.
In December, Anna went on Howard Stern and when probed by the disc jockey what exactly would she do if she ever caught Kris cheating on her, she candidly told him.
“I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team,” Anna said matter-of-factly, “Everybody --coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team.”
“Mike Piazza just did a back flip,” Stern retorted. “Even the coaches? What about, like, the bat boys?”
“If I'm lining them up,” Anna said, "I'll (also) circle into other teams. Whatever team he's playing, I will screw all them, too.”
The buxom brunette, in one swift interview, did more for the game of baseball than McGwire, Sosa and Bonds combined.
In an interview with ESPN, Anna confessed that her secret desire is to one day have a late-night television show. Regrettably, now Benson’s once adorable claim about how she wanted to have her own reality TV show is closer to, well, reality.
It sounds convoluted to associate ability to TiVo more Anna Benson -- the aforementioned one that adds the jumpin’ juice to the Johnson -- as a societal negative, but hear me out.
After reading several excerpts of her claims to sleeping with the entire payroll of the New York Mets, it is not hard to imagine that the TV Guide will read as such:
“The Anna Benson Show” – Anna describes the lusty details of stripping and sex. TV-PG13.
“The Anna Benson Show” – Anna sits ass naked for a half-hour. TV-MA.
“The Anna Benson Show” – Anna…Boobs…Mmm. TV-Mmm.
When the show finally premiers on either VH1, ESPN or Oxygen, we men will be popping corn, dropping our trousers and making ourselves comfortable on the couch. Only instead of the lusty, exploit-drenched Benson we have come to love filled with her kinky escapades that could make Ron Jeremy blush; we will see something closer to this:
"The Anna Benson Show" - Anna talks about female problems. Non-stop for an entire half-hour. We can't make her stop, we swear. We're very, very sorry, but there's nothing we can do about it. We had her sign a contract for 24 episodes to conceal the fact that all of our male executives had raging huge boners. Seriously, we're sorry. TV-Menstruation.
